N30 : Thirtieth lesson S00-TITLE : Have you heard the one about... S01 : Evening. I'm right proud to be here at the world-famous Comedy Store. S02 : Tonight I want to talk about a really depressing subject. No, not the government. Diets. S03 : Actually I don't need to shed any pounds. No, seriously, folks: S04 : my doctor said my weight was just fine - for a man who's eighteen foot tall. S05 : Anyway, so I agree to go on a diet, but to play my own rules, if you get my meaning. S06 : First, if no one sees you eating something, it has no calories, right? S07 : Second, foods eaten for medical purposes are okay. That includes chips and lager. S08 : Third, if you eat from someone else's plate, you don't consume any calories; they do. S09 : My wife told me the best way to get rid of half a stone of ugly fat was to cut my head off. S10 : But she was just pulling my leg. Wasn't she? Of course she was! S11 : In the end, though, I found that I could slim by avoiding the four main food groups. S12 : You all know what they are, don't you? Fast, frozen, instant and chocolate. S13 : In fact the reason I got this "comfortably plump" is that my wife's a rotten cook. S14 : Whatever she makes, the gravy's black and I have to use the smoke alarm as an oven timer. S15 : For ten years she served me nothing but leftovers. I never found the original meal. S16 : So I became a junk food junkie, not because I wanted to but because I had to - and because it was cheap. S17 : I used to stand in line and read the sign: no notes larger than ten pounds accepted. S18 : And I'm like, if I had ten quid, I wouldn't be eating here, would I, you dimwit? S19 : Then I discovered ethnic foods: some people curry favour but I favour curry. S20 : Here's a thought for you: "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. S21 : Teach him how to fish, and he'll lounge around in a boat all week and drink beer." S22 : Thank you and good night. You've been a wonderful audience. T00-TRANSLATE : Exercise: Translate T01 : New research has shed light on eating disorders. T02 : Even if you don't believe the story, they do. T03 : Stop pulling my leg and tell me the truth. T04 : I mustn't be late for dinner or there'll be nothing left over. T05 : He tried to curry favour with voters by promising tax cuts.